Today is definitely one of those glass half empty days.
Yesterday we received my mother's medical records from her time in the hospital. We requested her records to try and understand exactly what happened to her since in the moment it was all such a blur. There are over 30 pages of notes from a handful of doctors, some hand written and barely legible, and others typed with their findings and prognosis.
I studied these papers for hours last night. Trying to comprehend how in a matter of hours my mom's life was so abruptly ended. There are dozens of medications, orders for CT scans, MRIs, EEGs, blood work, cooling blankets, central line placement, spinal tap, and the list goes on and on. From her arrival at the hospital at approximately 4:45pm on January 31st to just shy of midnight that same day her heart stopped 4 times. They were able to revive her each time, but the damage had already been done. The infection had spread through her blood making her heart too weak and the 4 arrests and revivals may have ultimately caused her brain death.
There are things that will never leave my memory. The first doctor who tried to prepare us by stressing that my mom was critically ill as we arrived at the ER. To The ER nurse rushing us from the waiting room as she explained that my mom had "taken a turn for the worse". To the doctors who came in to explain that my mother's heart had stopped twice and the MICU doctor that told us that her pupils were fixed and dilated suggesting brain death.
It's gut wrenching to imagine my mom in those moments. She was
invincible in my eyes. Sure, she got sick like we all do, but nothing like this could ever happen to her. As I got older and especially after having Evie I dreaded the unavoidable thought of my parents getting older and someday being faced with the realization that they could not in fact live forever. I could have never prepared myself for what happened with my mom. I may never understand why this happened or never cease to wonder if things could have been different if I had been home and known just how sick she really was. Today I can't help but think of all that happened in those 24 hours, and just how deeply I miss my mom.
All of these things remind me to feel especially thankful for many things today...
Growing up, I always wished that I would someday be a mom. I've always loved children and hoped that I would someday have children of my own. Our sweet little Evie was a bit of a surprise, but yet again, life worked in its mysterious way.
We had a very normal, routine pregnancy and although she did not want to come out Evie was born at 1:56pm on August 29th, 2008. Despite some initial bumps in the road we were blessed with a healthy little girl.
Over the past few months Evie has had her fair share of ailments. Between the never ending cold, swallowing difficulties, potential acid reflux, ear aches, bronchiolitis which resulted in a week's stay in the hospital, and the cough that won't quit, she has quite an eventful winter! This of course does not include the "normal" infant woes like diaper rash and teething (and what a JOY they are!).
What amazes me is that through all of the snot, tears, coughs, and wheezes, she still finds a way to smile. Whether she knows it or not, her smiles are the fuel that keep me running each day, so today I am thankful for her smiles. She is the light of my life and a large part of what keeps me going each and every day. I truly believe that Evie was brought to us for a much deeper reason. Without her I don't know how I could have ever picked up the pieces to begin to heal this hole in my heart, but she gives me a reason to be thankful. She won't remember the moments with her mom mom that I will cherish forever, but
she will know her and know how much she loved her. She has a very special guardian angel smiling down on her now and that gives me a reason to smile today too.
My other source of fuel is my loving, devoted, supportive, and compassionate fiance, Jeremy. We met 2 and a half years ago, actually thanks to my mom who "surprised" me with an eHarmony account which is how we found one another. The past two years are some of the most memorable and rewarding of my life. We have shared so many experiences together; the good, the bad, and the ugly. I have so many amazing memories of things we have done together, times we have laughed together, times we have cried together, and despite "the bad and the ugly" we share a love for one another that finds a way to overcome it all. Jeremy has seen me at my worst and I hope he can say he's seen me at my best as well. Without him we would (obviously) not have our beautiful little girl. I will never forget what Jeremy said to me when we found out we were very unexpectedly pregnant as tears streamed down my face; "look at what our love made". It's amazing still when I look at her and think of those words. It really is a blessing.
Jeremy you are my rock. You always have been and will always continue to be. You have lifted me up when I needed it the most, and continued to stand by in even the toughest times. Today I am thankful to have you by my side, to have known you and to have been loved by you. My heart belongs to you now and forever. I can't wait for the day that I can call you my husband. You're my compass and I love you deeper than words can express.
