A letter

Dearest Mom,

It's so hard for me to believe that it has been nearly a month and a half since you went to be with mom mom and pop pop. Never in my life has a month passed so quickly yet time has seemed to stand still. So many things have happened; Evie has two teeth now, is rolling over (remember how we would get down on the floor with her and try and help her roll and she just wasn't having it??), and sitting on her own. She's even getting on all fours like she’s ready to crawl! I can’t believe how much she’s changed since you held her last. She was sick then but she’s better now. I know you were really worried about her but we’re taking good care of her and she’s a strong girl and is getting healthy. Would you even believe she has some hair now? It’s a shame it’s so blonde you can hardly see it but it’s there! It will have a bow in it soon I have no doubt. We’re still working on feeding her solids and she seems ready watching our every move when we eat and sticking her hands in our food, but she still spits most of it out when I give it to her. You should have seen her face when I gave her bananas, she was not pleased! Oh, she has her first freckle too! You really would get a kick out of her. She’s growing so much, so fast. I wonder what it felt like for you when I was growing up. Did you feel scared that I was getting bigger and able to do more? I sure do. I wish so badly you were here to hold her and laugh at her. I know how happy she made you, mom, and I will never let her forget that. We have a book we read most nights about a guardian angel and I tell her that’s you looking down on her. I know you’re our guardian angel.

I’m doing ok. Every day is a struggle for so many reasons, but wasn’t it always for me? You have no idea how I miss my many many phone calls to you and text messages. My phone is so quiet now. I check it constantly and look back at old photos and messages from/to you. You were and always will be my best friend and confidant. I think my loneliest time is my drive to and from work. I wonder what you’re doing and if you’re with me. I have a part of you with me every day in my necklace and hope you’re with me every day in spirit. I want to make you proud. I want you to know all of the things you’ve said to me really did mean something. I’m trying to raise Evie the best that I can and take care of dad and the house and the cats and show Jeremy just how much I love him. We’ve talked about getting married on your birthday mom so that you are with us on that special day. I would really like to do that and hope that we can plan it all in time even though we’ll do something really small.

Today I called to get your gravestone. It’s still surreal to be making these arrangements mom. I’m sure you felt the same when mom mom passed. I just want to do what you would have wanted and we want you to have a beautiful gravestone that we will visit often. Dad, Jeremy, Evie, and I will visit as often as we can. I’m sure you already know that dad visits every single day. He feels guilty that he should have done more when you got sick, loved you more, and had more time. I’m not sure how to help him mom other than take care of him like I promised you I would. You were his everything whether he expressed it or not. Did you know he kept all of your old love letters? He also has over 30 years of cards you’ve given him. You thought he never cared about those things and it turns out he kept it all. Your bedroom is full of pictures of you. I know he misses you more than we will ever know.

Today I want you to know that I’m so very thankful for you. I’m missing you terribly, but I know your time here with us was just a loan from above and that you were needed back for bigger things. It’s hard that you’re not here physically to hug and laugh with, but I know you’re with us in spirit. You are watching down on us and I am so very thankful for that. You will always continue to take care of us; I just wish I had more opportunity to take care of you. I hope you know how much I love you and appreciate all of the many wonderful things you did for me and Jeremy and Dad and Evie. You never complained about it and gave so much of yourself to us. I think we are all better people for that.

Heaven is so very lucky to have you there. You must be so beautiful with your wings. Keep us under them mom.

With all of my love,

Coral